My first ever RIF (Reduction In Force) notice. Unless the school decides to pay for my salary out of their own tiny budgets, I'm out.

Ok. so the follow-up appt. with the neuro doc was today. I got to see my MRI. It's still pretty, but now there are 3-4 teeny tiny white spots in a couple of places. So the doc who read it and my neuro are now hedging their bets, which I totally understand in this lawsuit happy era. It's still probably not something like MS, but now it can't been 100% ruled out.

Options include either sitting back and watching it for a while, coming in annually for a look-over OR a spinal tap.

I'll see in her a year or so.

So Friday I had an MRI, which was ordered by the neuro more as a way to calm my anxiety and prove I don't have MS... again...

Wednesday, I come home to a message from the neuro's office saying that I need to call back and reschedule because the doc wanted to see me "sooner".

What followed that night was a pretty sizable panic attack. Hubby and mom reminded me that if it was something REALLY bad, like cancer, they would have used the word "NOW" and called me repeatedly at all my numbers, so I was calmed a little, but not much.

And I found myself thinking the neuro had been right before when she had said names are bad. We don't want names. I had thought I wanted a name to explain everything. Now I'm thinking names are really really bad. I really don't want a name.

I called back Thursday and found there was no note in the file... also good news... and the neuro called back and left a message for me (for some reason, my cell didn't ring when she called) saying I shouldn't be anxious. She called again on her own on Friday and said that yes, there was a slight change on my MRI, but it was nothing that could be diagnosed yet. She needed me to come in to talk about the results and discuss next steps.

So I'm not panicking, but I'm not all lightness an sweet right now, either. I'll get more answers in a couple of weeks when I see her again.

but, yes, there was drama

Saw the neuro who performed a complete exam and told me it's not MS. In fact, she's completely sure. However, in order to help me calm down about it, she's ordered an MRI (thank GOD for good medical insurance) and a follow-up appointment with her to view the MRI results and discuss options.

She believes that what I have is a chemical imbalance that is causing stress and anxiety, which in turn is causing physical manifestations of that stress and anxiety. So as long as the MRI is clear, I may be getting a scrip for the chemicals I didn't know were out of balance.

At that point, I then have to decide if I will take said meds. I tried 5-HTP for a while and, while it seemed to make a little difference, it also made me feel odd. I've been prescribed an anti-anxiety med before because of my GAD, but after taking it once, I never took it again.

I guess I finally get why bipolar people often go off their meds. It may keep you on an even keel, but if you don't feel like "you" anymore, is it worth it?

It's something I'll have to figure out.... after I see my MRI and verify it's completely clear... again.

So I posted that things were going well and about an hour later, things went to pot.

First came the weakness in my left arm, followed by painful muscle spasms. Then came the headache and blurred vision. THEN came the pain on my right thigh.

Needless to say, I emailed a doc right away and am working on getting an appointment for next week.

PLUS! And while I understand this came from a place of amazing trust that I could handle this (and I just finished handling it, so she must have been right), my principal called me in yesterday afternoon because there was money to be spent and only 3 days to spend it. With the budget cuts about to hit, any money not spent by winter break becomes fair game for the governor's cuts, which means everyone is spending money like there's no tomorrow (because there kind of isn't, where this money is concerned).

On top of that, I was awakened at oh-my-god-it's-early in the morning by a coughing fit... mine... When I woke again at the correct time this morning, I coughed some more, I took cold meds with a cough med in it. Halfway to work, I realized that I had been so tired that I'd missed the part on the bottle that said it was a nighttime formula.

Oh... this morning was interesting.

So now I'm sitting for the only few minutes I have, dealing with a new headache, satisfied that I've done well spending someone else's money, and waiting for the teacher to arrive who tried to ream me out over the phone for not letting two of her students come in "to read" with no other purpose but as a reward for finishing work early.

yeah....

thanks a bunch, Murphy

Things are doin' ok right now. At least at work. We're settling into routines, though we all have 5 jobs each. Students are figuring out behavior requirements. There's less insanity at lunch.

In fact, yesterday and today are the days I dreamed of having when I started this whole thing. Yesterday, a student who is really pretty smart and knows his stuff, came back from the weekend nearly chewing off his hands in excitement. Why? I'd introduced him to The Hunger Games and he'd finished it faster than he's finished almost anything else recently AND he was "dying" to read the sequel, which is currently checked out to someone else. He couldn't wait to talk about the book and try to get tidbits about the next one. This reluctant reader isn't very reluctant right now.

And today at lunch, while it got crowded, it didn't get crazy. No one destroyed sections of the room by knocking over books or tagging on the shelves. A few students were even able to ask me for help and I was able to give it to them (because I wasn't chasing the misbehaving students or having to keep an eye out for the misfits). I was able to guide, instruct, teach, and even learn a little.

A good two days... the only sad thing is that they are coming right before winter break. I'm afraid of what January will hold when they all come back after 3 weeks without structure.